Alcohol
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Alcohol is stupid.
Alcohol was discovered serendipitously sometime before 1975 by Tyrell Harris. One afternoon, while working with the chemical in his laboratory, Tyrell absorbed a small amount through his fingertips. That evening he beat up his wife, defecated in a bus station, held up a KFC, and killed two hookers in what would be the world's first bender.
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Types of Alcohol
Recovering alcoholics will often ask something like "what has more alcohol in it: 1oz of spirits, 4.3oz of wine, or 5.6oz of beer". These people are generally retarded, and should be ridiculed accordingly, but they do remind us of the many options available to the practicing alcoholic.
Wine
Some scientists claim that Alcohol was actually discovered sometime before 1975 in early Rome. This is not true; the Romans drank a putrid juice known as wine which actually contains the gay form of alcohol. Although chemically similar to normal alcohol, wine has very different effects including drowsiness, fatigue, sleepiness, and gradually turning you into a fag. Wine is still drunk today by the French, and people who thought Sideways was funny, and as we might expect 95% of these people are indeed fags.
Beer
Beer contains real alcohol, the "wake up next to your younger cousin Ashley" form of alcohol. It is the top selling form of alcohol due to a vicious cycle known as the gut effect, where beer drinkers as a group become uglier, dumber, fatter, etc. and must then drink more to make the people in their league look decent, thus making them uglier, dumber, fatter, etc. Excessive beer will turn you into a redneck or possibly a Canadian.
Malt Liquor
A favorite among a certain hip-hopping, ebonic speaking, car jacking, bastard child rearing sect of the American populace. Excessive malt liquor seems to affect skin pigment cells and may trigger activity in the cop-killing centre of the brain.
Schnapps
A potent panty remover. Women are generally helpless when given Schnapps, and even those who do not consent to sex eventually drink so much that once they pass out, anything goes.
Whiskey
Whiskey is generally consumed by white trash( see Redneck), because beating women when you're sober just doesn't cut it sometimes...
Gin
Gin is mainly drunk by English fags and mean old ladies. It tastes like tree bark and rubbing alcohol.
Effects
The effects of alcohol are varied and often ironic. For example alcohol will make you horny but impotent, feel smart but act retarded, dance well but walk badly, and make you think you're a nice guy but actually just turn you into an asshole. Despite the fact that alcohol can turn a normal person into a Tom Arnold, it was probably the only reason you got laid on more than one occasion, and so although alcohol may be stupid, it's pretty fucking useful.
