Mr. Hands
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Mr. Hands is stupid.
Or he was.
Mr. Hands's story gets more disturbing the deeper you go.
To begin: he is a man from Washington state who fucked a horse. More accurately: he is a man from Washington who somehow got a horse to fuck him. More specifically: he had a horse fuck him in the arse. And filmed it. Until it perforated his colon and killed him. The name "Mr. Hands" comes from his Yahoo! personals profile, where it is listed as his nickname. His real name was later disclosed to be Kenneth Pinyan, who, it is claimed, initally refused to go to the hospital for fear of ruining his reputation as a high-profile engineer at Boeing. LOL.
The video was allegedly one of many videos of men getting equinomorphically browndicked, in some kind of hellish bestial bordello in Seattle. Bestiality is in fact not illegal in the state of Washington (not that it's exactly applauded in the community either - the law just doesn't mention it either way), and this stable had been functioning as a zoophiliac's knocking shop for some time. Somehow, Mr. Hands was the first person to actually get killed by the anal penetration of an enormous horse cock...either that or the brothelkeeper simply ran out of space to bury Hands' body.
Tragically for Mr. Hands, horrifyingly for the rest of us, probably arousingly for some fuckheads out there, the video of the guy gettin' it on like Diddy Kong with Shergar found its way, perhaps inevitably, to the internet, where it quickly became 2005's Goatse. If you know where to look (i.e. the bottom of this page), you can still find it, although watching it may kill your brain.
There is to be no rest, even in death, for poor Mr. Hands (Mind you, anyone sick enough to take a horse up the arse probably deserves what he gets); you will soon be able to thrill to Horse Raping Freak: The Movie, which is currently entitled "Zoo", but originally went under the moniker of "In The Forest There Is Every Kind Of Bird", which is simultaneously the best and worst title for anything ever. Hands will be played by John Paulsen, an up-and-coming actor who we will never hear from again.
Addendum: in case you're really hardcore and are hoping to see some bestial snuff by visiting this video, please a) kill yourself and b) be advised that the "Mr Hands" video which circulated on the Internet and is linked to below is not a video of the specific incident in which his colon got ruptured by a gigantic equine phallus. He did this a lot.
Another addendum: as a point of interest, the complete list of US states without bestiality-prohibiting laws is as follows: Alaska, Arizona, Colorado, Connecticut, Florida, Hawaii, Iowa, Kentucky, Louisiana, Missouri, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, Ohio, Oregon, South Dakota, Texas, Vermont, Washington, West Virginia, and Wyoming. So, to any Zoophiles reading, you're really spoilt for choice. Also, fuck off out of it you sick freak.
External linktime
The Infamous Video! The above article is more than adequate warning. This is a video of a man being fucked by a horse. If you really want to see that, click away (the author of this article is not liable for any brain damage sustained from this video).
Hands' Yahoo profile. Seriously. Contains a dead man's penis.
