Catholicism
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Catholicism is stupid.
Catholicism is a religion. Practitioners of Catholicism are called Catholics.
Catholics are numerous in Europe and Mexico. They also like to pray to Mary more than Jesus. The son of God has thus far been unavailable for comment on this matter, but one day he might show his face and set the record straight. Yeah right.
Contents |
About
Origins
Catholicism was created sometime before 1975 by the Roman Emperor Constantine as a form of Christianity. He'd basically decided that the Roman gods and the whole pagan shebang wasn't much cop, and so the Empire needed a change. After about 5 minutes of deliberation he decided to mutilate Christianity and turn it into a running joke that these days approximately 1,100,000,000 people still don't get. The populace back then fell for it too, and a new religion based on piety, ritualistically slaughtering those who disagree with you and sniggering was born.
Beliefs
Basically you're either with them or against them. The number of souls that have been burned, stoned, lynched, beaten to a bloody pulp, hanged, immolated, hacked to bits, shot, stabbed, strangled, hung drawn and quartered, drowned, starved, asphyxiated and bored to death should be enough to warn anyone that getting on the wrong side of this lot isn't as smart as some would think. On the other hand you have to get up early every single Sunday plus go to church during the holidays, which is pretty much the equivalent of a stoning. Not that kind of stoning. That's for afterwards to take your mind off of it.
Pastimes
In the early days, it was considered cool for a Catholic to be fed to lions. This pastime died out and was replaced by the Crusades, where Catholics delighted in killing Jews, Muslims and wizards. Some Catholic priests enjoy touching little boys in their naughty places with their penis. This is perfectly acceptable because they can't get married, so sex with a minor is a natural and holy middle ground. Sex with a miner however is totally forbidden. The Catholic hierarchy will readily accept bribes so other not-quite-so-devout people can go hang with God too, as it would be totally wrong for a Catholic priest/cardinal/overlord not to spend a rich heretic's money on a new Porsche. After all, it is God's Porsche. All hail the 911.
One of the major pastimes of Catholicism which deserves a breakaway paragraph is the consumption of alcohol. This is seen within every Catholic Mass with the re-enactment of the Last Supper and the passing of wine around the church. Originally this was a largely symbolic gesture with the absence of alcohol: however, this was later changed for two reasons:
- Number one: After looking over the Bible again it was seen that Jesus himself had borderline alcoholic tendencies, as seen in his abuse of his divine powers to turn water into wine to fuel his bender at a wedding reception. Therefore the addition of wine into the Catholic mass was seen as a means of staying true to the past.
- Number two: Alcohol was later used by Christian missionaries to help convert native people in strange, faraway lands, most notably in Ireland. Eventually alcohol came into the Americas later on under a new name of "Firewater" and helped convert the Indian Populations after they defecated in some tipis and had their way with the local monkeys (which of course makes them sinners because anal sex is not God's sex). Catholicism ended up being the 500 pound butter troll that the Irish and Indians woke up next to, that you can't ask to leave in case she literally flattens you, forever enforcing the stigma that I got beaten up by a woman. Lord God that was a long weekend.
In keeping with Christ's own drinking problem and the fostered drinking problems of the new converts, drinking continues to have a proud place within the Catholic lifestyle.
FUN FACT
- Fascist friendly Pope Pius XII introduced Tequila Slammers to the Vatican. The more you know.
Who's Who In The Crazy World Of Catholicism
Jesus
Although the Catholics don't hate him anywhere near as much as the Jews do, Jesus still has to play second fiddle to both of his parents, which would screw any kid up. It did Jesus, as he went nuts and killed a man while still in his late teens, as recorded in the Gospel of Thomas (which wasn't included in the final collaboration of the Bible - funny that). Eventually JJ Christ got so pissed off with the stupid Catholics worshipping his mother instead of him that he went and got himself killed, just to show them all. Most people would do exactly the same thing, and so would you, if your mom got all the attention that was meant for you. The last laugh was eventually Mary's though, as she got herself a new son and forgot about Jesus. Even when he came back from the dead she was too busy with her new offspring. Jesus went up to heaven full of rage at Mary's new son, and was sent straight to hell by daddy for the sin of envy. That'll teach him.
The Pope
All Catholics are ruled by the Pope, who is nothing more than a 90 year-old retired Catholic. The Pope lives in exotic Vatican City, which just happens to be the smallest country in the world (not a coincidence). Catholics nowadays believe that the Pope is and always has been infallible, despite the fact that such an idea was only cooked up in 1870 based on a few vague generalities in the Holy Book. Such evidence cannot be presented to a Catholic though, lest you be branded as the sort of heathen scum who doesn't believe that all life descends from Adam & Eve, making us all the result of incestuous sex and thus mentally fucked in some way. You moronic, unbelieving freak.
The Followers
The Catholic faith is comprised of people with the gifts of quality and survivability, including Mexicans, the Irish and John F. Kennedy. It is a proven fact that no amount of logic or any number of proven facts can discredit the faith of a Catholic. Never try to suggest that any part of their doctrine is inaccurate or any of their beliefs contentious, as you run the risk of being cast into the fire for having the audacity to use common sense in a religious context. Salvation is given to those who sit down, shut up and willingly accept all that is told to them without daring to think about just how stupid what they're being told actually is.
You
You are not a Catholic; therefore you're a sinner and by default stand no chance of being saved. There is no hope. None. No born again crap, no second chances. You're stuffed. Unless of course you send $250 (minimum) to:
Cardinal Eric Seven
The Reliquary under the Stairs
PO Box 616
Vatican City
BN22 XVI
Remember - The more you give, the less piously you need to live! (No refunds, no guarantee of salvation, no lawyer involvement permitted.)
