Encyclopedia Of Stupid:Clever Turns of Phrase

From Encyclopedia Of Stupid

Clever Turns of Phrase

Sometimes our writers come up with some really good one-liners. When they do, they are rewarded by the mods with SharpieStars, and their quotes appear on the front page and here. Non-mods who wish to nominate quotes for SharpieStars can do so on the discussion page.

• "Kwanzaa is a holiday celebrating the African heritage of people who have never set foot outside of Detroit." -- JethroCola, in the Kwanzaa entry.
• "Her outlook, of course, is that if you're good at decorating tables and have tig ol' bitties, no one will notice that you are a talentless hack who is making shitty meals out of prepackaged food and calling it 'cooking.' This is a bit like buying a sword on eBay, sheathing it and calling the act 'metalworking.'" -- Supervisor 194, in the Sandra Lee entry
• "In A Short History of Nearly Everything, Bill Bryson describes carbon as 'Shamelessly Promiscuous.' Indeed, if it weren’t for carbon, whores would not exist." -- Fbi2thegrave, in the Carbon entry.
• "Although not much is clear about what Jews actually believe, through centuries of close observation, the scientists of the world have managed to work up a rough picture. Jews appear to worship masonry, as they spend much of their time sticking prayers into walls. What they hope to achieve from conversing with stone-work has yet to be discovered." -- J.P.Wiggin, in the Jew entry.
• "The rules for the war were simple, you would be given a gun and a uniform, then you waited in a ditch till you died." -- Unknown user, in the World War I entry.
• "When it is time for the Dalai Lama to be on camera, he hides his C.I.A. paid Lamborghini and three-thousand dollar suit and changes into dirty sandals and a gay robe to make the impression of being "a humble, peace-loving monk."" -- SatyriconX127, in the Tibet entry.
• "When not busy fishing for tofu or avoiding showers, hippies gather in large crowds called "swarms" to buzz about torture. I think they're against it, but it's hard to pay attention." -- Crabrock, in the Torture entry.
• "Knut is now a teenager, which, allied to the fact that his mother didn't love him, means he must be feeling very angsty. He'll soon start drinking heavily, smoking, masturbating and listening to Rammstein at loud volumes." -- Eric Cartman, in the Knut entry.
• "Regardless of what region of Mexico they are from, Mexicans tend to listen to their music at volumes that make you want to kill them." -- Supervisor 194, in the Mexican entry.
• "Mr. Manson has singlehandedly helped define the term 'goth' to mean 'ridiculously-attired weight-challenged ultra-pale funny-hat-wearing black-makeuped social miscreant who dances poorly to shit music that nobody knows.'" -- Supervisor 194, in the Marilyn Manson entry.
• "Starbucks is a fashion boutique that markets burnt water as liquid jewelry." -- JethroCola, in the Starbucks entry.
• "Russia has three exports: Women, nuclear radiation and vodka." -- Wizard, in the Russia entry.
• "Alcohol was discovered serendipitously sometime before 1975 by Tyrell Harris. One afternoon, while working with the chemical in his laboratory, Tyrell absorbed a small amount through his fingertips. That evening he beat up his wife, defecated in a bus station, held up a KFC, and killed two hookers in what would be the world's first bender." -- ThoroughlyFKD, in the Alcohol entry.
• "In the future Jesus will return to judge mankind. Mankind will be found guilty of perjury and indecent knowledge of a minor, and sentenced to 15 years in San Quentin." -- Faggotron, in the Jesus entry.
• "Clowns can be identified by their colorful faces, the odor of hard liquor, and a conspicuous erection." -- Oldbill, in the Clown entry.
• "It did so by creating this fantasy that somewhere, perhaps in a galaxy far far away, a society exists where people are not judged by appearance but by the amount of useless knowledge they have acquired, and as a result even guys like Napoleon Dynamite would be cool enough to stick it in Dr. Crusher's crimson box." -- ThoroughlyFKD, in the Science Fiction entry.
• "[Africa] is the second least awesome place-to-go-if-you-don't-want-to-be-mauled-to-death, behind Australia." -- Crabrock, in the Africa entry.
• "The Penis may be used to give AIDS, HIV, or to rape someone." -- Sireg, in the Penis entry.
• "Sin is when someone other than you does something you don't like." -- M^3, in the Sin entry.
• "Because most Africans live in tribes in the middle of nowhere, they probably don't know it's Christmas and couldn't care less anyway. <African mother> Look Ndjibadawumba, Santa brought famine this year! <African kid> But he brings that every year!" -- DoubleR, in the Bob Geldof entry.
• "Liberals possess a babelfish gene that turns every possible permutation of 'if we don't do it to them, they will do it to us - and we have historical precedent, Germany and Japan almost pulled it off' into 'I WANT TO KILL BABIES FOR OIL BECAUSE I AM A BIG FAT SUV DRIVING BABY KILLER.'" -- Supervisor 194, in the Liberal entry.
• "Your mom is married to man, known to you as your dad. This man is not your dad. Your mom knows this." -- Mandizzle, in the Your mom entry.
• "The term ‘government’ refers to a system by which a small group of corrupt assholes exercise authority over a large group of idiots." -- Zork, in the Government entry.
• "Famous owners of vaginas include Madonna, Condoleeza Rice, and Pauly Shore." -- Faggotron, in the Vagina entry.
• "Whenever there's a supernova in our vicinity and our species is wiped out, someone always asks why we put up with Space's shit. The answer is quite simple: Space was elected as the president of the galaxy about 3.3 billion years ago by a rogue group of velociraptors." -- Fbi2thegrave, in the Space entry.
• "Originally doctors thought that AIDS was transmitted via chocolate diet supplements, but this turns out to have been a misunderstanding due to an unfortunate similarity in acronyms." -- Mofolotopo, in the AIDS entry.
• "They troll url catchers obsessively so they can be the first on their channel/message board/usenet group to post new links, which keeps them at least one level higher on the geek hierarchy than their loser friends. They are, of course, unaware of the irony of being the first to post links that were actually found by someone else." -- Ataraxy, in the Internet whore entry.
• "Of course, the previous sentence is precisely the kind of judgmental donghuffery that the IP enthusiast would point to as precisely the sort of thing they are talking about, so why don't you get back to browsing your database of nigger jokes and leave the rest of us alone?" -- Agentseven, in the Internet philosophy entry.
• "The Bible is very similar to other works of science fiction such as The Book of Mormon, The Koran, Dianetics, The Talmud, The Urantia Book, The Bhagavad-Gita, and The New York Times." -- DonQuix in the Bible entry.
• "Australians are your typical rednecks. They enjoy eating, drinking, making love and swearing over the internet." -- Thedreadedkettle, in the Australia entry.
• "Among their ranks is ephebophile and bath sponge fetishist Bill O'Reilly, who has a widely syndicated program designed to dissiminate information that he just makes up." -- OldBill, in the Conservatism entry.