Family
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Families are stupid.
A family is a group of people that are related to each other because two people had freaky sex a long time ago. The more sex a couple has, the bigger their family will be.
With the creation of condoms, it is possible for two people to have lots of sex but still have a small family. Thus, the "more sex = more kids" rule applies mainly to mexicans, mormons, and those too stupid or lazy to get some condoms.
Contents |
Members of a Family
There are postions in a family that are determined by the nature of your parent's nighttime sexcapades. Read each description to find out which one you fit into (some of you may have more than one position).
Daddy
If you're the one who busts his balls to feed other people in the house, and you have a pair of rocks between your legs, then you're the father. A father's job is to go to work, put up with his boss, go home, put up with his wife, and beat his kids when they fuck up in school. Here are a few types of Dads:
Drill Sargeant Dad
This Dad tends to ride everyone's ass. Forces kids to get up early to mow the lawn, forces pets to shut the hell up, and forces his penis into his wife. Demands push-ups from other members of the family if they make any mistakes.
Corporate Knobwasher Dad
Spends little to no time with family whatsoever. Always busy with "something from the office". Will throw money at his children for a badass birthday party, giving him a few points (less points if he actually shows up; who wants a yuppie at their party?)
Ghost Dad
Fucks mom and then takes off.
Mommy
If you're the one who cooks the food and cleans the house, then you're the mother. A mother's job is to feed the kids, teach them manners, and have sex with the Dad. If you're paired up with a "Ghost Dad", you don't have to have sex with him. Here are a few types of Moms:
High Standards Mom
The kids' clothes must not have wrinkles. Dinner must always be ready at exactly 5:35 pm. Everyone must wipe their feet on the mat and wash their hands after taking a shit. Kids must complete homework by bedtime. Sex only happens when you feel like it.
Screecher Mom
Yells for fucking everything. GET UP ITS TIME TO GO TO SCHOOL! COME TO THE KITCHEN, YOUR FOOD'S GETTING COLD! TURN OFF THE T.V. IT'S LATE! DO YOU WANT CHEERIOS OR HONEY-NUT CHEERIOS? NO YELLING IN THE HOUSE!
Cuddler Mom
Always kisses you goodnight. Always makes sure your clothes are clean. Always asks how you're doing. Always asks if you've eaten. Won't let you go out after 8:00 pm. Worries every time you leave the house GOD FORBID YOU TRY TO GET THE MAIL.
Note: Sometimes a Mom can be a combination two or more types of Moms.
Son/Brother
If you were squeezed out of the Mom's vasnooch after the Dad porked her and you have a penis, then you're the Son of Mom and Dad. If you are surrounded by kids who were also squeezed out of Mom's ass, then you are the Brother of those kids. As a kid, you really don't have a job other than to provide a burden on the Mom and Dad. Here are a few types of Sons/Brothers:
Loner Brother
Is never home, rarely speaks, and probably has a motorcycle. If he's a nerd, he's most likely in college. If he's a drug addict, he's probably living at his crackwhore girlfriend's house. If he's a loser, he's probably got a job at McDonald's, Wal-Mart, or as a clown. Grows up to be "Ghost Dad".
Gay Brother
Very similar to "Cuddler Mom". Loves to hear how you're doing, and always gives you advice on how to spruce up your hair. May sometimes re-arrange your room and add some potpourri to get rid of the pot smell. Cries more than normal if he has a "Drill Sargeant" Dad.
Asshole Brother
A complete jerk. Takes all the toys, eats all the marshmallows in the cereal, breaks his sisters' barbie dolls, and farts in your face when you sleep. Can be a great help in getting back at bullies, but may backstab you and join the bullies. Grows up to be "Drill Sargeant Dad".
Daughter/Sister
Same as "Son/Brother", except you have a vagina. Here are a few types of Daugther/Sisters:
Slut Sister
Always brings guys to the house. Similar to "Loner Brother", except she sleeps has sex with guys at the house every night. Will get knocked up very early on in life by a guy who becomes "Ghost Dad". She then becomes "Screecher Mom".
Bitch Sister
Just like "Asshole Brother", only smarter. Plus she gets Mom and Dad to believe whatever she says. Not much hope for you if you have a Bitch Sister (being older than her gives you an advantage). Grows up to be "High Standards Mom".
Miss Perfect Sister
Has straight A's in school. Does gymnastics. Has a job and pays for her own school supplies. Well on her way to college. Very nice to brothers and sisters, unless she's "Bitch Sister" in disguise.
Secondary Members
These are members whose relation to you are second-hand and should be treated as such (unless they're pretty cool).
Uncles
An uncle is a dude who is the brother of your Mom or Dad. Though he has some authority over you, he is still pretty cool with you since he probably doesn't have any children of his own. A few types of uncles are:
Convict Uncle
Kind of like "Ghost Dad", except he actually likes to show up once in a while. Might sleep with you in your room to hide from the cops. Most convict uncles have scars and tattoos which are proof that he can snap you and your friend's asses in half no matter how gangsta you think you are.
Molester Uncle
Offers to babysit you a lot and likes to play games like "Naked Twister" and "Hide the bald-headed mouse". He trusts that you won't snitch on him because you're family; if you do snitch on him, he becomes "Convict Uncle".
Caddyshack Uncle
Cracks a lot of jokes. Farts a lot. Drinks a lot of beer. He is a pretty swell guy, and often the source of your first nudie magazine. He is prone to play pranks on you, however.
Aunts
An aunt is a lady who is the sister of your Mom or Dad. She most likely has shitty children of her own, and may take out her frustrations on you. Here are a few types of aunts:
Mary Poppins Aunt
Tricks you into cleaning your room by making it into a game. Rewards you with another chore afterwards. Gets along well with "High Standards Mom".
Aunt Flo
Turns your Mom and sisters into total bitches when she visits. Similar to "Screecher Mom", except she doesn't yell for everything; she still annoys the hell out of all other family members with stories that no one in their right mind would care about.
Party Aunt
Loves to get her freak on. Lets you and your brothers stay up all night and lets you have a little bit of beer. If you piss her off, she turns into "Drill Sargeant Dad".
Cousins
A cousin is the kid that your Uncle and Aunt had. Kind of like a brother/sister, except you don't live with them (unless you're Mexican). Here are a few types of cousins:
Wuss Cousin
Can't fight, can't talk back, has trouble tying their shoes, and sucks at sports. If you have a Wuss Cousin, it's best to keep your relationship a secret from your friends. If you have a cool secret with your friends, it's best not to tell Wuss Cousin, as he/she will most likely snitch to Mom/Dad/Aunt/Uncle.
Kissin' Cousin
Kind of like "Slut Sister", except he/she wants to get in your pants. Most likely your first shot at first base. If you have a Kissin' Cousin, it's best to keep your relationship a secret from Mom/Dad/Aunt/Uncle.
Tom Sawyer Cousin
Always planning some kind of shit. Relies on you to be his/her mule to make sure their plan to steal thirty dollars from your mom's purse goes off without him/her getting in trouble (doesn't really care if your ass gets beat). If you have a Tom Sawyer Cousin, it's perfectly okay to throw rocks at him/her as both a greeting and farewell.
Grandparents
Last and definitely least are grandparents. These fossils are the Mom and Dad of your Mom, Dad, Uncles, and Aunts. If it weren't for these braindead assholes, you wouldn't have to put up with any shit from your family. Here are a few types of grandparents:
Cat Lady Grandma
Has waaay too many goddamn pets. She cherishes them more than you and your cousins because you never want to listen to her stories of how she tried to stop all the hippie chicks from burning their bras back in the day. Her pets can attack on command.
Playboy Grandpa
Still thinks he can woo women with his Sinatra music and by calling them "dollface". Likes to smoke with a pipe. If he's senile enough, he'll tell you about all the times he cheated on grandma. If "Caddyshack Uncle" gives you old porn, he probably got it from "Playboy Grandpa" first.
Mother Goose Grandma
Cooks waaay too much food. Always pushes you to eat her cookies and pie no matter how much you refuse. Was most likely a drug pusher in highschool. If you hang around her long enough, you'll get fat.
Veteran Grandpa
Boasts about how many Nazis he killed; the number is always between 2 and 200. Keeps a rusty old gun to protect himself from China, the Red Army, and mother nature's night camo children.
Adoption
Don't you have enough fucking kids!? Some people want to have kids without having sex, so they adopt a kid from one of the many kiddie kennels found in many cites. Not many are fond of the red-headed kids, so they are either not adopted, or adopted and then smacked around.
There have also been reports of couples adopting korean girls, only to break up and have the dad tap her ass later.
