Kwanzaa
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Kwanzaa be stupid.
Contents |
History
Kwanzaa was invented in 1984 by the Reverend Doctor Maulana X. Q. Karenga, Jr. III, Esquire (formerly known as Fred Jones). After completing his doctorate from Sharniqua's College of African Studies and Hair Braiding, he took it upon himself to search for some way to make white America extremely uncomfortable. One year his mother gave him a dashiki for Christmas. As he wore it around the next day, his neighbors asked him, "For what purpose have you adorned yourself in such festive attire? Is this some sort of national holiday respecting African heritage of which I am unaware?" After a couple of days of such leading questions, Karenga settled on developing an in-your-face holiday that would force 92% of America to avoid certain parts of town between Christmas and New Year's Day.
The first Kwanzaa was just a Christmas block party in Harlem that wouldn't shut down. When January 1st finally rolled around, everyone was extremely hung over and was out of money. Karenga used this as a gauge to determine how long the holiday should be. However, had the corner liquor store not run out of everything with an alcohol content so soon (including cooking sherry and Lavoris), Kwanzaa might now be twelve and a half days long.
Tradition
Kwanzaa has many long-standing traditions which date way back...almost seventeen years in some cases.
Clothing
Celebrants don traditional African garb consisting of flowing robes, dashikis, funny looking wedge-shaped hats, sandals, and/or bolts of cloth wrapped around one's torso, all of which are considered appropriate. Of course, nobody in Africa actually wears these things much anymore, but we dont want to spoil the illusion that Africa is a happy place where everyone dresses like a clown and poverty, military unrest, and AIDS are unknown, do we?
If the aforementioned articles of clothing are unavailable, the following will suffice:
- XXXL Knicks jerseys
- Colorado Rockies baseball caps with tag still attached
- T-shirts with a prominent FUBU or South Pole logo
- Starbury or Nike Lebron V basketball shoes
- Oversized Marithe+Francois Girbaud jeans that expose one's butt
- Wifebeater undershirts.
Food
Americans will use any excuse to eat, particularly a holiday, and those who observe Kwanzaa are no different. The originators of the holiday intended the culmination of the festivities to include a feast of traditional African dishes such as Ethiopian lentils, Moroccan chick pea soup, Ghanan fish stew, Egyptian pickled lemons, and Kenyan roast giraffe neck. This tradition lasted exactly one year when everybody discovered that it all tasted like monkey vomit. Those celebrating Kwanzaa often endeavor to include at least one traditional African dish in the annual meal out of respect, but it usually goes untouched while everybody scarfs up the barbeque.
Beer was actually invented in ancient Egypt, so many people celebrate their African heritage by downing copious amounts of beer and its more potent cousin, malt liquor. Other spirits may be imbibed, but solely for the purpose of appreciation of one's roots. All Kwanzaa observers adhere strictly to this rule.
Candles
The traditional Kwanzaa centerpiece is called a Kinara because they needed another goofy African sounding name and candleholder sounded too white. The Kinara holds seven candles, each to be lit on a different day (unless you forget, then you can light them all on New Year's Eve). The candles are of three colors. Three are green, representing bounty and the wish for prosperity in the coming year. Three are red, representing the blood of the ancestors and past struggles. The center candle is black because...well, no one's really sure why they chose that color.
Decoration
Those preparing for Kwanzaa are wont to decorate their houses in garish red and green colors. They may string up flashy ornaments like lights and stars while placing figures of dark-skinned people wearing robes on their lawns. Their white neighbors often look upon such ostentation with disapproval as they remove their Christmas decorations and manger scenes.
Music
The music of Kwanzaa has quite a broad range, from the hip-hop sounds of Snoop Dogg to the rap stylings of 50 Cent to the hip-hop/rap compositions of Ludacris. Kwanzaa carolers do not generally go from door-to-door ("Yo ass be gettin' iced pullin dat shit," explains one celebrant). Instead, they choose to share the songs of the season with others by pulling up next to them at traffic lights and allowing the overbearing bass from their car audio systems to shake those in the adjacent cars like a martini, often to a lyric liberally sprinkled with the words "bitch", "ho", and "muthafucka".
Others have chosen to pen their own seasonal compositions. Here is a particularly candid example from the favorite commentator amongst those enjoying Kwanzaatime - Ann Coulter:
(Sing to the tune of Jingle Bells) Kwanzaa bells, dashikis sell, whitey has to pay! Burning, shooting, oh what fun on this made up holiday!!!
Popularity
Now in its second decade, Kwanzaa is more popular than ever. Kwanzaa is celebrated by well over 200 people throughout the US and Canada. According to Karenga, over 28 million people celebrate Kwanzaa. If that's true, there are a lot of white folks sneaking into Kwanzaa parties. American retailers provide a more accurate estimate of less than 1% of the US population, but that doesn't stop major corporations such as Wal-Mart from stocking their shelves with red, green and black Kwanzaa crap in the desperate hope that someone will notice and stop bugging them about their overwhelmingly white board of directors.
Some celebrities got on the bandwagon and joined in the festivities for a while. One of the more notable celebrants was Michael Vick and his annual Bad Newz Kennels Kwanzaa Kill-a-thon. The gala event was punctuated by a losing dog being tortured to death in a different way each day, such as burning it to death with fire from the Kinara candles or forcing it to eat traditional African food.
Although celebrated by almost no one, the White House regularly pays obsequious deference to Kwanzaa in the annual holiday address and white politicians, none of whom have any idea what the hell all that pseudo-Swahili means, will mention the, "rich tradition of the celebration that is Kwanzaa" at least once. Even Republicans, which is humorous, given that the chances of those who celebrate Kwanzaa voting in large quantity for a Republican is about the same as Al Sharpton admitting that he was wrong about his smearing of the Duke lacrosse team (in other words, zero).
