New Jersey
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
New Jersey is stupid.
New Jersey is the Garden State, as the state is rich with Magma and Tobacco farms (affectionately known as "gardens", by residents). 4% of New Jersey land is farmland. 96% is highways, and 12% is shopping malls.
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History
Sometime before 1975 New Jersey was an independent nation, and the most profitable producer of hot magma in the Western hemisphere. In 1984, risking war with the powerful nation of Canada, New Jersey was forced to join the American Federation of States, or USA for short. Upon joining the union, New Jersey immediately declared war on the state of Pennsylvania over trademark rights to the phrase "New Jersey: Only the Strong Survive." Having won Pennsylvania's main tourist attraction method in court, New Jersey emerged victorious in the war that lasted for twenty-six years.
Economy
New Jersey currently has the second highest state debt in the nation, due to immense funds spent ignoring the Highlands Act and bribing ex-lovers of former governor James McGreevey.
Volcano Industry
The farming and sale of molten hot magma is currently the main source of income for the state of New Jersey. Scientists in Pennsylvania believe the state's volcanoes will run out of magma sometime before The Future or the Apocalypse. It is a well-documented fact that the "Battle of Xenu" occurred in New Jersey, so there is a higher change that the Apocalypse will take place within state borders.
Tobacco
Before God created volcanoes in New Jersey, the humble New Jerseyians made money to buy porn magazines by selling Tobacco. At the time, it was not well-known that Tobacco could be used to commit long-term suicide, and was instead fed to babies, children, and kittens.
Indians
Indians, not Native Americans, have been contributing to New Jersey gas stations and convenience stores since the beginning of time.
Government
New Jersey is under the American government, but usually ignores them and creates its own laws.
Governors
New Jersey is secretly a monarchy that is led by a governor.
Jon Corzine
The current governor, Jon Corzine, has contributed little to the hot molten magma industry, being an ardent Scientologist. Corzine is against the sale and distribution of what he believes is the "Holy Molten Hot Love Juice of Our Lord Xenu."
James McGreevey
James McGreevey forever has his name in New Jersey history textbooks, as the first governor to give Aqua Dots to children at fundraising events. James "Jim" McGreevey was also a known gay who slept with 0.4% of the male population of New Jersey (roughly 142,000 men) and 27% of the male population of Pennsylvania (roughly 143,000 men). McGreevey also put New Jersey into serious debt by paying each of his male lovers seventy five dollars to keep quiet, and one hundred and twenty dollars to every official in charge of the Highlands Act.
Christie Whitman
Christie Whitman was the first governoress of New Jersey. Whitman was well-known among fellow state officials as being able to shoot lasers from her silver monocle, and having the ability to give a crushing handshake if she used her prosthetic arm, which features a solid iron claw. Unless you're a virgin or from Pennsylvania, you cannot see Whitman's prosthetic arm; it appears just as any other human appendage.
Senators
The New Jersey monarchy includes "senators", which are the Democracy equivalent of lapdogs. They yap constantly, though it is mostly nonsense, and rather annoying. The lapdogs are usually loyal to the Governor, but occasionally stray off. Wandering senators are usually strangled by the iron grip of Christie Whitman.
Robert Menendez
Robert Menendez, a faithful Chihuahua to Governor Jon Corzine, ritually follows Corzine's orders, and occasionally criticizes President Bush on "important" matters such as education.
Frank Lautenburg
Frank Lautenburg is a clone of Robert Menendez, with the exception of having his Mexican gene removed.
The Future
In the future, New Jersey will regain its position as the most powerful nation in the world, when Xenu returns once again and eliminates all who oppose him, novelty T-shirts, volcanoes, and governoresses.
