Rome
From Encyclopedia Of Stupid
Rome is stupid
More correctly, Rome was stupid. Rome took more than a day to build, and when people went there they like to immerse themselves into the customs of Rome. It was a majestic empire, ranging from England and Portugal all the way down through the Middle East and parts of Africa. They invented the language of Latin, which is still used by doctors and pigs. Sadly, the empire was crushed from scandal and let's say embezzlement. Nowadays, nobody goes there anymore, and all that remains is a few heaps of crumbling structures and piles of shattered dreams.
Contents |
Advancements and Achievements of Rome
Roads
Believe it or not, before the Romans, nobody had thought to build roads. The plebeians (Latin for stupid people) spent their traveling time navigating alligator filled swamps and spooky overgrown forests. The advent of roads led to a boost in economy and the emergence of companies such as Candy Grams, Fed-Ex, and Netflix. These early roads were usually built with a bunch of rocks head together by cement or super glue.
Military Tactics
Because of their roads, the Roman Army could deploy their troops far and wide. They actually only had about 250 soldiers, but because they were so fast, they could hit the enemy formations, circle back, and hit them again before the last of the Romans had made it to the enemy. This made it seem like their legions were in fact huge. They also used very advanced holograms and Papier-mâché horses to confuse their enemies further. The fake horses were not ridable, and directly caused the death of Emperor Fallsius Downus, who fell through one of the horses and off the side of his castle. These horses were the inspiration for the Piñata.
Killing Christians
Not only did the Romans excel at killing Christians for fun during Gladiator events, but they killed the big man himself, Jesus. Nobody knows why they hated Christians so much, but everybody has their own ideas. Nonetheless, the magnitude of Christian killing has not been matched since. This may be caused by the endangered status of the tiger, which was a favorite method to maim the Christians into a bloody pulp. These days the tigers are considered too valuable to risk infection from uncooked Christian meat.
Cement
The Romans invented cement, which was used to build roads, houses, and very heavy coins. The Roman Mob was also the first to put somebody's feet in concrete and dump them off a pier for squeelin' to the feds.
Aqueducts
The Romans were pretty bad ass architects because of the cement, and they made long tunnels from the mountains into the center of Rome that brought fresh water. This greatly increased the capacity of idiots that could live in Rome, making it the first metropolis in the world. During the height of the empire, over 4 billion people lived in Rome.
The Arch
The Romans were also the first civilization to harness the power of the arch. Since they could shape bricks into any form they wished, they figured out some secret voodoo math that let them build very strong supports in the shape of arches. The most important part was the "keystone", which was in the center of the arch and supported all the weight. Without this keystone, the arch would crumble. Keystone is also a crappy beer.
The Dome
The dome is like a three dimensional arch, which they liked to put on top of their buildings to gloat to the rest of the people that had no idea what the fuck was going on and that there was some sort of magic holding up the roof. This sort of style is most recently perfected in the game of Trouble, which uses a dome to house the die used to move.
Gladiators
There was a place called the Colosseum, which was a huge round arena made for watching people fight each other, animals, or just getting killed. These fighters were called Gladiators, which is Latin for "Men with Balls of Steel." These men would fight against odds with other Gladiators, tied to each other, or against angry tigers with fucking laser beams attached to their heads. Sometimes the Colosseum would be flooded and they'd have to fight Pirates.
The Downfall and Embarrassments of Rome
Betrayal
The greatest Roman of all time was Julias Caeser. He was the original Bruce Willis, and conquered Spain and the Bahamas. After he was done kicking ass, he came back to Rome, made a few cool things for the plebeians, and added an entire new month to the Calendar: July. But some people were jealous, and most particularly a short fat faggot named Brutus, who was Caeser's best friend. One day when Caeser was sitting on the crapper, reading a copy of Gaul's Hottest Whores, Brutus bust the door down and stabbed him in the head. Caeser tried to fight back, but was sort of predisposed, and all he could shout was "I pooped, Brutus." Then he died. After this everybody was pretty pissed, and Rome was destined to fail. All the subsequent rulers of Rome were referred to as Caeser after that, in honor of the great Emperor.
Spartacus
Spartacus was a Gladiator slave who was probably the inspiration for the film Gladiator, even though he already had his own movie. He started a rebellion amongst the other Gladiators, and they escaped and started a riot, and were eventually put down after defeating a few of Rome's soldiers and candy filled fake horses. When they finally captured who they thought was Spartacus, they asked Spartacus to stand up. Everybody stood up and said "I am Spartacus!" (except all Latiny) and so they could never torture him or rape him like they had planned. The coolest part about Spartacus was when he drowned a guy in a bucket of soup. If you plan to name your child Spartacus, your mother will assure you that no sane woman will ever marry you, which is fucking retarded because come on, he drowned a guy in SOUP!
Caligula
While an embarrassment to the legacy of Rome, this guy was a fuckin' Pimp. He would have crazy orgies and sex up a bunch of hot ladies. He told everybody he was going to appoint his favorite horse as the leader of Rome. He was probably insane, but that makes it funnier. If current world leaders were more like this, news would be worth paying attention to.
Wrestling
Greco-Roman wrestling is where high school and college guys wear skimpy singlets that show off their junk, and roll around with each other whilst getting sweat and bodily fluids all over each other. This is not how the legacy of Rome should live on. It was the Greeks who were the homos, not the Romans.
Latin
Sure it may have been cool back in the day, but nowadays Latin is just annoying. A bunch of official slogans and mottos are in Latin, and it makes 8th grade history a bitch to learn. Also doctors and lawyers use Latin just to sound pretentious and smart so that anybody without 17 years of college doesn't know what the hell they are talking about. Good going Rome.
Categories: History | Language | Gay | Places | Timeline | Honorable Mention
