Segway

From Encyclopedia Of Stupid

The Segway is stupid.

The Segway is an overpriced scooter for fat dorks who are too lazy to pedal a bicycle and are willing to pay five grand for the privilege of not exercising. The big feature that differentiates it from a skateboard with handlebars is that it has only two wheels and uses a gyroscope for balance. It is powered by an electric motor so that the rider won't have to exert any effort (God forbid) as he glides to Burger King for another triple Whopper value meal. There are no rear-view mirrors on the Segway so the rider can't see the people he's just passed pointing at him and laughing. In a computer nerd's dream world, everyone would ride Segways, watch anime, and drink Bawls while playing Counter-Strike on Linux boxes. Some geek just spooged on his keyboard after reading that sentence.

Contents 1 History 2 Sales 3 Models 4 Competition 5 The Typical Rider

History

The Segway was invented in 1984 by Elvis after he got fat and grew tired of walking from the kitchen to the couch. He used the knowledge he had gained from his Hollywood career to build a technologically advanced device that balanced itself and would glide noiselessly around Graceland. Then he died while taking a dump and some curly-headed jerk from New Hampshire stole his idea and took all the credit.

When the device was first introduced, there was more hype than there was for Bee Movie. The device was originally known as Ginger until someone told Al Sharpton that you could rearrange the letters to spell African-American. Under threat of a protest march and fish fry at the factory gates, the company changed the code name to IT. In an effort to quiet the extremely high amount of buzz surrounding the product, the company bought billboards nationwide with the phrase, Shhh...IT is coming! This phrase was quite prescient, but stirred up more controversy, so the company said screw IT and gave the device the stupidest name they could think of.

Company president Dean Kamen claimed that the Segway would revolutionize human transport and that people would cease walking. A nation of overweight, lethargic Americans cheered until they saw the price tag and realized that for the cost of a Segway they could buy a really nice big-screen plasma TV with surround sound, and still have enough left for a truckload of Doritos and two refrigerators full of Schlitz Malt Liquor. As a result, Segway sold a total of fourteen scooters in the first year.

Sales

In the years since the product's introduction, nerds have incresingly come out of the geek closet and have started to wear their social awkwardness and juvenile fascination with comics and sci-fi as badges of honor. This, coupled with the exploding popularity of computers (ensuring that this demographic will continue to have more disposable income than they legally should), has allowed Segway to increase their sales dramatically. Gone are the days of double digit annual sales. Segway is well into four digit territory, actually cracking the 5000 mark last year. In the future, Kamen predicts that everyone in America will ride a Segway and that sales will exceed 200 million annually. Of course, that prediction is based largely on the assumption that there will be a massive robot rebellion in which the nerds of the western world conquer society with a sinister army of self-balancing, anatomically-correct female battle drones, so his sales forecast may be off just a touch.

Models

The original model, the Segway Human Interactive Transporter, was renamed the HT for obvious reasons. Nobody bought it, so Segway decided to come out with more models that are all pretty much the same. Some consumers complained that the device wasn't cool and that they were being ridiculed, so Segway toyed with three- and four-wheel concept vehicles, because nothing says cool like a freaking tricycle.

Recently, Segway teamed up with Ferrari to build a special edition of their scooter. The real special feature is the price - $10,000. For all that extra money, you get a red paint job and a Ferrari sticker. When word got out that Ferrari was teaming up with Segway, the workers at the Lamborghini and Maserati factories gathered their torches and pitchforks and descended on the Ferrari factory, where they beat the shit out of all the dorks who work there and kicked them out of the Italian exotic sportscar club. Ferraris are now only as cool as used Ford Escorts. In an effort to regain their hipness, Ferrari is offering a three-wheeled sports car for sale next year.

Competition

Since the majority of the world's population is made of people who know a dumb idea when they see it, no one with money or tech savvy has been insane enough to try to compete directly with Segway, much in the same way that no one is rushing into the 8-track tape market or the dial-up modem industry. However, the Segway does face competition, mostly from nerds who build their own self balancing scooters. These homegrown devices are less polished than Kamen's Segway and the builders admit they are not as cool, but keep in mind who is doing the talking. Saying that a homegrown scooter is not as cool as a Segway is like saying that a propeller beanie is not as cool as a bowler hat.

And although the worldwide two-wheeled, self-balancing, electro-geek transport market is dominated by one company, they still must deal with other less idiotic forms of transportation like, for instance, the bicycle. In case there are any curious consumers out there who are unsure as to which method of conveyance to purchase, here's a handy chart to assist you in your pursuit:

Method of Transport
Manufacturers	A whole bunch	One (Segway)
Cost of entry-level model	$350	$5,000
Cost of premium model	$3,000	$10,000
Charging time	0 hours	6 hours
Maximum speed	15 - 25 mph	12 mph
Maximum distance	Unlimited	20 miles
Who you'll likely meet
How you'll look after prolonged use

Any questions?

The Typical Rider

Most Segway enthusiasts are virgins who live with their mothers or guys who had to buy a wife from a Mongolian sex slave ring. Largely, they work in technical support and carry themselves with an unwarranted air of smugness and superiority. Segway riders are generally hated by everyone other than other Segway riders and the people in their World of Warcraft guilds. Riding a Segway is guaranteed to exclude you from the bed of any desirable member of the opposite sex. Even hookers won't take the trick if the john pulls up on a Segway.

In many municipalities, police are underpaid and overworked, so some cities have provided their cops with Segways to complete the humiliation. City dwellers are just overcome with a feeling of safety as they watch the boys in blue glide around on their dorkmobiles. A recent pursesnatching in Chicago was foiled by a cop on a Segway. The crook outran the Segway, but a septuagenarian on a Rascal ran him down and the cop showed up five minutes later to make the arrest. He made the criminal ride the Segway back to the station while he walked alongside, which prompted the ACLU to sue the police department for inflicting public humiliation on the accused.

Disney has reportedly entered into an agreement with Segway to allow its employees to roam the park on their scooters. Given that Disney's parks are populated with futuristic transport devices that will never be more than an amusement park attraction (e.g. Monorail, Peoplemover), the Segway is considered by many to be an appropriate addition.